the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
