I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
