I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
