During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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