I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
is it fun? or sober?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
