It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
