i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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