Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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