You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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