Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
