So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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