She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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