The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
