I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
