My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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