: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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