My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
