the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
