My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
