It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
barbara walters just said penis...
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
