The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
