Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
