I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
