i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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