3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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