I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
