I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
