Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I DEMAND FORESKIN
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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