she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have aggressive nipples.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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