i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
