Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
