I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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