I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
