Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
