Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I just gift wrapped bread.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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