I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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