Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
