You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So vagazzling was a success
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
