ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize