Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
