What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
