Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize