dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
