The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
