I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
