i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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