Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
