So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
