If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
