So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize