I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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