Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
