Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
