I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
