i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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