party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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