U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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