I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
