having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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