Cold hands, warm shart.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
